still time for a happy ending.

i can't believe it said it's been 17 weeks since i've posted on here... so much has been going on. recently i've felt the need to type out my thoughts, but for some reason i just don't like myspace anymore. with all the changes it seems to slow my computer down too much and in the end... i would just rather now.

I WENT TO CHILE! i can't say enough about my time there. i felt alive, brave, loved, COMPLETE... the hardest thing in my life that i've ever had to do was leave the one place in the world i ever felt i belonged. most days i still cry because i just feel like a shell of the person i once was. i love my friends, but in general, i just hate it here. i feel like the trip to chile not only opened up my heart, my eyes, and my soul... but that it has changed me completely and helped give me the direction my life seems to be lacking for a while. and... my best friend and companion and the biggest fan i've ever had is there. he is the best person i've ever met and he loves the Lord in a way that i have never seen before. when we are together, we just feel the Lord with us.
so... things will be changing...
i am working a lot these days to save money to return. i will be taking some online classes starting in august to become certified to teach english as a foreign language (TEFL) and i am praying and hoping, that by december i will be moving there for a year. i will give myself a year span to try things out and then decide if i will stay, or return to the states to continue where i left off. all i know is that i must go back and at least try, because i can't live my life always wondering what would have happened if i had gone back... i just have to do it.  i have people there that will be helping me, i have a place to stay, i have what feels like a family there and so now i will preparing for me to get a job with a work visa... i will need support, but most of all prayers as the next 5 months pass...
as soon as i make the money for the plane tickets... they will be bought! 

i dont really believe in horoscopes, but this one happened to be a little strange.
i got it off my stupid facebook application, this is what it read for today...
Taurus: Time is going so slowly! Luckily, the suspense will make what you're looking forward to even better. .

ok. so i'm sure this entry will make little to no sense to those of you who read it... as it will be just a series of random thoughts that i just feel are keeping my brain in a constant roller coaster state... and i'm waiting for the free fall...

- - the new MTV show "that's amore" ... will probably be so stupid... but while watching a commercial about it... one sentence stood out... "true love needs no translation" ... wow... i think i'm entering into freak out mode these days. i can tell that Leo is falling harder and harder for me. even when we go weeks at a time... he thinks of me always and talks about me to all of his family. i even have his family wanting to talk to me now... his little cousin calls me her friend now and wishes to get to come visit me one day. yet... neither of our native languages mesh. she is native swedish, i'm native english... yet somehow... we carry completely normal conversations and understand each other. it helps me to talk to her. i've started freaking out about how i would communicate with leo's parents seeing as they don't know any english... but i know it will not be so difficult. i know a good amount of spanish, and leo will be there to translate for me when i have trouble... i just have to keep myself from feeling completely overwhelmed by it all... sometimes it is even hard to breath when i think about getting on the plane to go there. i'm mildly A.D.D., but this brings it out in my like nothing i've felt in my life... at the same time that he is falling more and more for me... i'm falling more and more for him. and that scares me SO much. after my heart was completely broken, i swore i would not let someone make me feel vulnerable like that again... so this scares me... the unknown, knowing the odds are completely against us, yet me still caring. the sane person in me says... WHY? but the hopeless romantic and believer in fate says.... WHY NOT? i know i would be stupid to let someone as completely as incredible as him get away. he is the most amazing person i've ever met in my life. i am constantly amazed by him, by his strength, his character, his capacity to care for others, his love for his family, his patience... he is everything i ever dreamed of... but never thought truly existed... he is going on yet another week of vacation... he just went on vacation to visit his father's side of the family... now they will visit his mother's side (5-6 more days) it is summer there... so i'll be patient. i just checked the online status of my passport application... :) it said it has been processed and it has left the new orleans location yesterday in the mail! SMILE! PANIC! all at once. once i have that passport in my hands... i think i will be so happy i'll have to dance, but i'll be a little freaked out knowing that there is nothing keeping me from going now... that all that is left, is for me to face my fear... and get on that plane. ah.......... glad i finally wrote all these things out... this is just a small percentage of the constant state of my brain lately.... trying to get it to slow down...

she is retarded... ALWAYS has to be getting into something! as i type this... i turn around to see her trying to tear up one of my shoes, then she darts across the floor to attack a piece of paper! SERIOUSLY! whatever happened to the cute little calm kitten that i picked out last may! how did she turn out to be so bad! she wants to sit in your lap... but don't dare pet her... she'll bite you! (What's up with that!? lol) anyway... so everyone should check out www.buy.com awesome site. you can find almost anything on there... i found a camera i want to buy before my trip for only $135 (kodak 10 megapixels) AWESOME! gotta go to work tonight and tomorrow nights for my bar shifts. i wish i could make money by not going to work, unfortunately that's not how this world operates! i think i want to earn money by laughing! that would be awesome... or by playing video games! haha. oh well... too bad it's not a Brittany world. i'm SO happy that leo has been back since thursday. i'm just a much happier person to know he's home safely and to hear about all the awesome things he did. i was a little worried that while we didn't talk for two weeks, that things would somehow changed between us... and i was right... as much as i realized how much i missed him, he did the same about me. he said everytime he saw the moon he thought of me because he knew i could see the same moon! so awesome. anyway, i guess i need to get ready for work... happy i get the only tv in the store behind me tonight! :) maybe since the superbowl is over, i'll be able to continue the news coverage leading up to SUPER TUESDAY! hope the weather isn't too bad tomorrow. gotta get out and VOTE!  

it's been 10 days since i've gotten to talk or chat with Leo... i miss him SO much. it is definitely evident how much i rely on his positive influence on my life. he is always there to bring me up when i'm feeling weak, so i've truly missed him this week. but it's been a good week as well, i'd relied stronger on the Lord. i believe it is still very important to have our brother and sisters to keep us in the right direction, but i'm thankful that even when they can't be there, that i have enough of the Lord in me to keep me going strong. today i had a good afternoon with my mom when she finally got here. we had a very good talk over dinner and i think she really knows more about me and why this trip is so important to me... it is more than just a trip. it is me becoming brave. it is me getting over my inhibitions and my fears, and living finally... i can't tell how many hours of prayer i've spent behind this and i asked my mom to do the same. to pray! so i feel so much better about things now! it was a good day. (with the exception of no Leo! sad) 

it's been a week now since i've gotten to talk with Leo... each day i miss him more and more... it is strange to try to explain it, because i know i would never be able express in words what my heart feels. i must wait now for the time he will be on the internet again to see how his week has been... i talked with my mom several more times since we had our argument... i know i pointed out the things she had done and it bruised her ego a little...maybe even a lot. after all the things she and i have been through and still managed to have somewhat of a normal relationship, she knew she couldnt let something as simple as not making time to come see me separate us now... so she is making time for me on sunday. she wants to come spend the afternoon with me after church. i hope this happens. i pray she actually does! ... moving on, today they released what the "tax stimulus" plan would be to help our economy. i hope this goes as well as they are planning. sounds awesome to me to know that relatively the same time i will be getting back from chile, i will have about $300 waiting for me. (yay, that will take care of rent! :D) i guess i'm just writing about random crap now. i sat by the river today and saw the sun set... absolutely beautiful... while driving home from hanging out with a friend tonight, i noticed the moon... once again, SO AMAZING! 

my family... ah... my wonderful family. as much as i love them... sometimes they make me want to scream and wish i had been born to another family. all my life, i've based my decisions based on their reactions to it. i've based things that could have truly made me happy based on if they would understand or approve or not... finally i stepped out of the small town, country, alabama state of mind, and decided to LIVE. i decided to take a chance, to dream, to be brave... i knew it was only a matter of time before they freaked out about it... i didn't tell my grandparents for a reason... which means... MY MOM! my wonderful mom .... i told her not to say anything to them about it, because i knew they would never understand... but what does she do... it took longer than i thought it would truthfully... but yet again... all expectations of my family have been met. my heart is beating so fast right now... i'm not sure if it is out of anger, or because i am once again let down, they my family is SO overprotective at times about my happiness that they actually forget if i am happy or not. on a day to day basis, they know nothing about me. they don't know my hopes, my dreams, my goals.... they never knew what my grades were, they don't even know where my apartment is.... no one in my family knows where my apartment is... not even my own mother... it is not because i've kept it's location hidden from them... it is because my own mother who comes through tuscaloosa almost every week, doesn't feel like taking the time to come and see where i have lived since september... yet, now... is the time they want to be a family and try to take over my life. NO... this is my life... and it was my decision to make. i'm sorry i want more than the state of alabama has to offer... i'm sorry that i wish to see the world...
my family is freaked out that i will go to visit chile... my mom is worried like a mom should be ... but it is the day to day things that let me down... i never really vent like this... but just built up after my phone conversation with my mom a few minutes ago... i love my family very much... i never want people to think that, but i wish so much that they can just accept that i am different from them. i didn't want to graduate high school, get married, have kids, and settle in alabama... i'm sorry that my decision not to take that route has been so controversial to them... however, i refuse to compromise this time. i'm so sick of this constant battle to on whether to make them happy or to make myself happy.
111 more days! ! !

I took a quick walk to my car while at work in the cool air. The sky was filled with the colors of pure magic.  It was just before the remaining light from the sun decided to retire for the night but not before leaving its glorious traces of pink and gray across the sky. That sight, along with the cold-crisp air was almost the vision of heaven.
                                                                                  

(if only there were mountains in the background to capture it fully) i didn't want to return inside... but knew i must. While leaving the outside beauty to return indoors for the nigh, something tiny caught my eye...  i guess a better way to put it was that something caught my soul... it was the first appearance of the tiny moon. in that wonderful moment, i could just feel in my heart that you were thinking about me at that exact same time, and all i could do was smile.  

                                                                                 

the snow yesterday was SO exciting. i was like a little kid playing so much. i jumped out of bed to look out the window and was outside within a matter of seconds in my shorts and sweatshirt! SO funny... if it had stayed around all day... i would have stayed outside and played ALL day... oh well, it was fun while it lasted. i'm a little bummed that the packers lost their game today and will not be going to the super bowl... erase that, i'm a lot bummed out about that! i just knew they were going to win (really really hoped so at least!) work has gotten interesting the past few days with all the renovations happened... the new tables and chairs look awesome, and they came in and changed all the lighting last night... but... they took all but one of the tv's... now the only tv left in the store is the one behind the bar... *yay for my bar shifts now... i'll be the one getting all the people! lol. (hopefully that means MONEY MONEY MONEY! haha)
i spent the bulk of work not watching the game because of the lack of tvs... but i spent it really surfing inside my mind... thinking pretty heavily about things. today while in church... i just start to tear up a little thinking about Leo. in the middle of the closing song... i just thought about the future... and it actually hit me... that i would be willing to be hurt if i knew 100% certain in my heart that he found true happiness. i sincerely hope that happiness is with me.  sometimes i think of my future and he is just there in those "flashforwards" haha it's hard to describe. what's really hard for me to explain (even to myself) is the fact that i trust him... i trust him to never intentionally hurt me. for those of you who really know me... you know that's a stretch for me. but i do. and... the fact that i care so selflessly for him. i would prefer him to have all the happiness in the world over me. that's crazy right. but isn't that how it is supposed to be... if two people care so selflessly for one another... imagine the contentment! it's not all "i need, i want"... i thought that with him being away, i would feel more distant from him... more detached... but it's been the opposite. i'm just going to end this now... because there is no way that i can write what my mind is really doing to me currently... AH.... jumble jumble... (prayer time! lol)

It's only been one day with him being out of contact... and I already miss him so much. He is constantly in my prayers that he finds exactly what it is he is seeking! I catch myself praying more than usual these days. today i stopped while at work and just said a little prayer for us both. each day more and more questions... WHY was it so important for us to meet each other? and WHY do we care for each other so much? the possibility of him not being in my life forever now sends a dagger straight to my heart... either as a friend or more... i hope and pray each day that we get to be part of each other's lives forever. I think we have had such a positive influence on each other's lives, which is noticeable to everyone around us... we just seem different... happier. we are taking this time with him being on his church retreat, to re-evaluate some things... and pray for the Lord to guide our paths and pray for us to continue to listen to His will no matter what... i miss him...

on another note... i'm getting excited at the possibility of snow tomorrow. that's right... SNOW! if it actually does. this will be the second time in my life that i've seen it! i want to wake up early in the morning so that i can play around in it! haha. of course some photos will be taken as well! lol. life is so magical these days... magical

 I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find (what you will find)

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go (I want you to know)
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go



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this is exactly the song my mind is currently envisioning... i just kind of happened across it at the exact moment that it meant something! *strange how that happens.... sometimes it just falls from the sky when you don't know what you are looking for... :) 
all i know is... i really don't want this moment to ever end... can't wait for our better moment... less than 4 months left now! :)

well not really... it's kind of nice to hear the rain outside... but i did have some errands that i would have liked to run today but i will wait. i can do most of them tomorrow morning, and the remainder of them on monday... so i'll just take a "rain check" haha.
i spent last night with Leo and Oscar (his brother) online editing and correcting Oscar's resume that he had to have in complete English for this new job. it was a lot of fun actually explaining how to do it to them. next week i will go and start the "passport application process" there are still some questions i have about some other things i will be require to have... but there's still plenty of time. also tax season is approaching!! YAY... means money for me. not quite sure how much though, but no big deal. i'm not going to be quite as dependant on that as i thought i would be back in October, so some of it i will actually be able to save :) me gusto mucho Leo porque eso es muy estupendo!! :)

in a world of over six billion people, if there one perfect person meant just for me? a crazy notion to think about! but i believe in these things. 
how in over six billion people are you to meet that one person... CHANCE... total and complete chance. each time we speak, i ask more and more questions!

maybe the recent weeks and months leading up to the new  year led me to a resolution for new year's that i did see coming or plan on making... yet it seems to be happening, so i think i will go with it. I'm become far more brave than i ever imagined and have decided to try with all my might, to not let a stone go unturned in my life. to try to resolve any such issues in my past... because that is the only way to effectively get over them... to face them head on... today i sent an e-mail to that infamous ex-boyfriend and his wife. (yes, that guy, the one who completely ripped my heart in half and seemed to show little care while doing it) for some time now, i felt like i owed them an apology even though i was the hurt party in the matter. Things happened so fast, and i never took the time to take a step back and think maybe some of this was God's way of protecting me from a path he didn't want me to follow and providing them happiness at the same time. all i felt at the time was a huge amount of hurt ... and anger. in the end, the relationship was something that we had built up in our minds for years based on how we were as middleschool and high school friends... it was never based on what we had become as adults. and as adults, we had become two VERY different people. we rarely looked eye to eye on certain issues, and we chose to look past that because we had history... in the end, i compromised my very identity because i wanted to make him happy, and in the end i was left alone having to figure out exactly who i was again. it was an interesting journey to take, but one that i have enjoyed taking over these two years, realizing that who i am is pretty cool and i should never let myself loose it again. yes, compromise is great in a relationship, but not when it takes away from who you actually are (your moral and goals) so after much prayer and a heavy heart, i decided to share these things with them. even if it mean nothing to them. to let them know that maybe this actually was the will of God. that i wish them all the happiness in the world (if they had not found each other... i may still have been in that empty relationship living in my shell of a body, continually losing part of myself) so now i am free to find all the happiness the world has to offer me! (yay) i wished them all the luck with their baby daughter on the way and said i can't wait to see her beautiful pictures! ... when i got home from work... i had a reply waiting from her. saying thanks for all the kind words and that she really appreciated me sending that to them. so at the end of the day, i feel content.   ... it's only the start of day 4 in this new year, and i'm already so much more than i was at this time last year! i hope the Lord continues to grow inside of me.

goals / next levels of bravery that i will attempt in 08 and beyond.....
*leave the country to travel alone (something that scares and excites me all at the same time!)
*allow my heart to fully trust another human being, even if it means i will be let down
*the biggest of all.... finally face my biggest fear from the past... my ex-step dad. i know that my past with him i can never fully forget. (although sometimes i wish i could... and i know that i cannot have as kind of words towards him as i could with my ex and his wife... but i can let him know that because of his twisted mind... i have become a rock. someone so strong. i have become such an incredible person no thanks to his example... which makes me realize even more how completely incredible the Lord is for choosing to watch over me all those years ago. to protect me, my mind, and my soul from what could have been very different consequences. this will be the biggest and most difficult test of my life... no doubt about it... it is one that will take much prayer before committing to face it head on... but i know that until that day comes that i am brave enough to face him... there will continue to be a part of me, my happiness with a shadow over it... and i wish to shine with all the luster i can. i wish to move forward.)

so here is to being brave in 2008! we'll see what happens i suppose!

i'm a different person. that's obvious. i'm quite quirky, super silly, and just plain different. something i've known for a while. i'm really just a person seeking for her future, for her true unique identity. when i am alone, and get bored... these are the things i think about myself...these are my little facts. 

i LOVE football. it's pretty awesome. even if i have no connection to the two teams... i find some reason to want one of them to win and follow them through to hopefully what will be their victory 
the purr of a kitten is a beautiful thing to me... to know that a living creature is so complete content just to sit next to me feel my warmth makes my heart smile. 
i don't care for chocolate. i did when i was little, but it just changed... from time to time i find a little joy in it... but for the most part, i just don't like chocolate. 
as much as i complain about my job, i care to do a great job at it. i want to be the best worker there and for everyone to know without any doubt that i am dependable. i'm not sure why i care so much for them to think that, but i just do. 
i get cranky whenever i feel dirty. as much as i wish that i could go a couple days without a shower and not feel completey disgusting... i just can't... my hair has to be washed!! 
i like reality TV. i think it's hilarious to see how people ACT like they aren't acting. it makes me laugh to see how people try to portray themselves! 
for some reason i dont eat beef much anymore. not sure why... maybe it just never caught back on much since my days of being a vegetarian... but chicken is my mail course these day! 
my mind seems to constantly be on my trip to chile these days... this is what is so funny about the trip... you see i have two distinct sides of my personality... the super planner and super random.  i decided to act on my random whim at take a trip to chile just to visit some awesome characters i met this summer... but i'm OVER planning my random trip. i can't count how many times i've looked up passport information, currency transfers, immunization regulations... AH... so i'm super planning to be random! CRAZY... 
my room tends to be a little messy these days, but my closet is perfect... it's a large closet, and it's super tidy and the clothes are all color co-ordinated... (maybe that shows a little more of my personalities... room=random, closet=planner!) see, now i'm just being silly. 
sometimes i like to just sit in the rain. it is just fun. 
i'm a little unsure what my future holds other than the fact that the Lord will be there with me whatever it may be... 
i wish i were brave enough to study something like photography and make that my life... something not so concrete as far as a future job goes... i wish i were brave enough to take that leap of faith. 
when someone is mad at me, or i feel like i've left a stone unturned when it comes to resolving something in my life, i have trouble sleeping. it's like my mind worries so much about how i must find a resolution. 
prayer helps me... a lot. 

(wow... see... this is me having too much time to think... and then wanting to actually write them down!) oh well... whatever! lol 

at 9:00 i had one thought! i was playing halo 3 with ryan at megan and ryan's... HALO3~ the one i had yet to beat. and when 9 hit... i could only think of him... why?  Because i promised. that was midnight for them, and he said he would be thinking of me, so i promised to think of him at the exact same time... when my midnight hit... i still could only think of him. if you were to ask me in june how 07 was going... i would have told you that it absolutely SUCKED. one bad situation after another... bam bam bam... it hit me hard and had me depressed and feeling so completely awful about myself. then it all changed. I met people. so many great ones that i hope to never be without again because they have had such a positive impact on my life, one in which i have hopefully returned! my favorite new person that has helped transform my 2007 was Leo. there are not enough great words i can say about this guy! simply an angel sent from heaven. He is one of the kindest, sweetest, most caring person i've ever met. thousands of miles apart now, we have become such an intricant part of each other's lives. each day is a day of us building up stories to share with one another before going to bed, then we always have our ttime of sharing religious points of view and how we see our lives playing out. he has definately become the highlight of my days. i thank God every day for creating such a remarkable person and allowing us the opportunity to get to know each other and bring such hope into each other's lives! we both have huge questions about how and why we met. if there is a bigger plan in action happening with the two of us... we can't answer these things now... all we can do is wait... just wait and see what God is doing in our lives. but it has been 6 incredible months of knowing him!! so now, i am looking forward. i can't wait for May12/13 to finally arrive and me to start the journey of trying to find the answers to all the questions on our minds. to spend 4 incredible weeks with the person that brings so much joy and light into my life each day... 133 days left... 
so ask me now how my 07 went... in a way, better than i could have ever hoped for, yet i know that 08 will be so much better...   

i cherish every precious moment that we spend talking to each other. the more i learn, the more we interact with one another, the more questions i ask myself... What does this mean? Is this real? Is this really possibly? ... 
Every sign is pointing me in that direction... which just makes me pray harder... 
just the thought of you has my heart beating so fast...  

it is amazing how a surge of emotion can have you bearing your ♥ so suddenly. last night was pretty awful. saying goodbye to people with such great hearts and not knowing if i will ever see them again, crushed me. it brought up so much repressed emotion. then today i was so tired and drained from all of the events that played out yesterday. the double shift, staying up so late, the tearful goodbye...
but it did something to me i didn't expect. it made me brave. it brought the realization yet again of how quickly things can be gone. i knew that the only way to be would be to speak my heart no matter how difficult, or nervous, or scared i was. and i'm thankful for my bravery. i feel on top of the world. i feel so alive. i feel like my heart needs to slow down. thank you God for letting me meet so many wonderful people this year that i have a feeling might change my life forever!

tears... that's all i have right now are the tears... the tears of knowing in my heart that things would be different if only...
i can't wait until those 4 weeks are here and i get to go on the biggest adventure of my life. an adventure in which we plan to try to figure out as much as possible. to know without any doubt that what we feel now is real... then we will take the adventure together. we will suffer together, triumph together, we will be strong together and make it. it's just the next 5 months waiting to see will be the biggest test for now. seeing what happens. i miss him unlike i have missed anyone in my entire life. i see his photo and my heart swells and i get so incredibly happy yet so incredibly sad all at the same time. he has so many qualities about him that i've always searched for. and no matter what happens during those 4 weeks, i hope his life is filled with all the happiness the Lord has to offer him. and i pray that he stays the way he is, and doesn't let the world change him! he makes me know i can be a better person! and i will always thank him for that!

yesterday was one of those days that people write about. one filled with "what can go wrong will go wrong"
i went into work optimistic that i was going to take it with stride and not let anything bring me down.... but the world was against me!
after spending 14 hours at work, only making $60 on a saturday, and helping to change a flat tire in the rain at midnight after all the other... i finally broke. i sat down in the rain and just cried out all the bad. i let the rain wash away my tears. so hopefully that means i get to start fresh at work tomorrow. hopefully i have let the bad experience i was forced to endure saturday be washed away and i can enter tomorrow with a fresh start! that is what i'm hoping for!
when i realized that my tire was flat... there were two thoughts that immediately entered my ming...
1) please don't let this effect me going home for christmas... because it's been a year and half since i've spent a holiday with my family.
2) i wish he were here to let me cry on his shoulder...